In the far, far away land of Stand- Upness lived a stupid, bloody, boy named He-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Otherwise, known as HSNBN. He together with all the citizens in the land lived to stand people up, and but of course, people of their own kind were not spared. They would set up a date, a meeting or a rendezvous, and no one would show up. Of course, doing that with people of their own kind would bring about no pleasure, for they would have had the same intent, and thus, they all sought citizens from another kingdom. So it was pure stupidity, really. This HSNBN was the king of Stand-Upness by title only, but he held no power, for all his royal subjects would always stand him up, and therefore, his will could not be done.
One fateful day, he unluckily enraged the princess from the Land of Clowns by standing her up -of course -, unwittingly sparking off a chain of events. The Princess threw a fit, and swore revenge. She was pissed! Humiliated! By God! She was a princess after all. Feeling rather pathetic for being stood up by HSNBN, she turned to her clown friend a.k.a. Clown #2 for advice.
Clown #2 was mad as well, and called for reinforcements in the form of - Clown #3. Together they hatched a plan for revenge. An act of vengeance that would be so awfully vengeful, that in many years from now, it would be dubbed as 'The Battle For [soon-to-be-thought-of]
But every great event has its inconsequential events that leads up this very big event, and thus, making it not so inconsequential after all. These events are often not mentioned, but we think that the future generation deserves to know the back-breaking work and mind-numbing hours of brainstorming that Clown #2 and #3 went through in order to bring justice to their dear princess's offender.
...In the meantime, Princess Clown couldn't stop using the word 'bloody'. Her anger seemed to have triggered the bloody button in her head. Her daily conversations consisted of the following:
"Bloody hell! I was like sooo bloody pissed because he bloody stood me up. I bloody hate him. Him and that bloody face of his. That bloody piece of bloody shit! What's his bloody problem? Who does he bloody think he bloody is?! He thinks he's so bloody important?! Bloody shit!"
Hiding away in one of the palace's storerooms trying to avoid being in hearing range of the princess, Clown #2 and #3 plotted to take away HSNBN's title of King by making him do what he hated most - showing up for a date. After years of late nights and missed meals (oh the horror!), the plan was complete. It was perfect! Nothing would go wrong. Clown #2 and #3 cackled like old hag-witches. And under the moonlight, they really DID look like one. Birds flew away from a nearby tree in fright.
Meanwhile, the Princess was having counseling sessions to renounce her use of the word 'bloody'. After one session, she beheaded the counselor - Clown #896. She would use any bloody word she wanted! Bloody! BLOODY BLOODY BLOODY!!! Soon, all her royal subjects were using the word. Yes, even Clown #2, #3, #17 and #42. The Princess's condition got worse after she watched Alice in Wonderland. She had the sudden urge to kill everyone off. After all, the Queen of Hearts was a friend of her father's. She went all over the palace shouting "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!". Only Clown #2 and #3 were spared.
As tragic as it was, this is not about the Princess's psychotic and homicidal urges. It is the plan, you see, that is what this tale is all about...
The plan was simple. Get a jar of peanut butter, put it on the table and HSNBN would show up. 'It was foolproof!', thought Clown #2 and #3. After all, everyone LOVES peanut butter. Well, all, except the Princess, but they were not aware of that. On the night of the plan, the table was set. The candles were lit, and the peanut butter was not too sticky, and not too watered down. Everything was just perfect. Soon, the time which they had set for the date, passed. Clown #3 opened the jar of peanut butter, and the rich aroma of peanut butter filled the air. The both of them stood stunned as they tried in vain to resist the pull of the peanut butter. It was just sitting there, opened and begging to be eaten. 'To hell with it,' they decided and proceeded to lick the jar clean. Hence, the plan was ruined. How were they going to get revenge on HSNBN now?
Running around like chickens with their heads chopped off (which would come true if they didn't do something quick), they sputtered and sweated profusely until a logical solution came to them. They would just buy more peanut butter! Alas, it was futile, for a jar of peanut butter cost $8621,3045,00 in the Land of Clowns (for that was where it was highly appreciated by everyone, excluding their ruler, which was rather ironic). Being too cowardly to venture outside their borders, Clown #2 and #3 decided to brave the beast - I mean, the Princess. Timidly, they approached her - but to no avail. The Princess literally blew up at them. Smoke was coming out of her ears and she yelled at them:
"How in the bloody hell did you bloody fools think that was going to bloody work?!"
Dumbly, they replied: "Uh...peanut butter - good?"
"I BLOODY HATE BLOODY PEANUT BUTTER YOU BLOODY IDIOTS!!" she screamed, causing a nearby cottage to crumble and collapse, killing Clown #136 and his offspring - Clown #560, #562 and #640.
Clown #2 and #3 were petrified. They did not know what to say or do. They honestly had thought that EVERYBODY LOVED -bloody- peanut butter. The Princess was still throwing her temper, so she marched outside into the garden, and made her bodyguard - Clown #24 slash butterflies.
Discouraged, Clown #2 and #3 retreated to lick their wounds. They decided to set up a date for HSNBN and Clown #2. HSNBN agreed, of course, but he stood her up too. That -bloody- fool. That was really a stupid plan that Clown #2 and #3 came up with. How would Clown #2 going on a date with HSNBN help the Princess get her revenge anyway? But their idiocy was perfectly explainable, considering the mind-blowing trauma they went through during their session with the Princess.
Not daring to inform her of their failure, they conspired to hatch yet another ingenious plan. With no peanut butter involved this time. And this plan will be the one that will cause a great ripple of events, eventually bringing about what is to be known as The Battle For [soon-to-be-thought-of]...
NOT TO BE CONTINUED
© Copyright 2006 Brenda Chan & Ng Li May. All rights reserved. Distribution of any kind is prohibited without the written consent of Brenda Chan & Ng Li May.
It's too bad we lost interest after that. And some of you in the gang are in there, if you squint hard enough. So yeah, the title's a rip-off from Narnia.